Facing a Second Mother's Day without Mom



Posted: Monday, April 30, 2007

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Last year, was one of the most heart breaking Mother's Day our family had to endure.  We lost both Mom's within a six month period. 

My birth mother died at the ripe old age of 96 so although it was sad we celebrated her long life after she passed. 

With Mom it was a different story.  We were the unbeatable "Mother\Daughter" team and what made our relationship even more special is that this beautiful woman was my Mother-in-law and I felt closer to her than the woman who gave birth to me.  She was a unique individual who had a heart so large that she always made room for everyone to love, she never had a harsh word to say about anyone and always loved unconditionally. 

She was taken from us, way too soon after a horrible massive stroke in July of 2005.  The horrible part of that event was that no one knew she had a stroke until 24 hours later when she did not show up at our daughter's to take care of our granddaughter who she loved and enjoyed watching three days a week.  It was a labor of love for her and she was full of life and very active at 78.  She participated in all sorts of activities and everyone thought she was a picture of perfect health.  Her busy schedule made my husband's and mine look dull. She played cards, went bowling and enjoyed being with family and friends and loved to entertain and prepare for holidays.  Because everyone assumed that she was in great shape,  her teammates  never bothered to worry or call to find out why that particular Wednesday she did not show up for bowling and the first few hours after a stroke are critical on the success in treating the stroke so by the time my husband found Mom, she was already totally disoriented, could not move and lost all verbal skills.  We rushed her to the ER but there was little hope of ever getting her back to even half the person she was before this horrible nightmare began.

The doctor advised our family to call in Hospice and we were forced to move her to a hospice facility after three days but noticed Mom tried to communicate with us by moving her fingers and following us with her beautiful hazel eyes.  We immediately transferred her out of hospice care and sent her to another ER for a second evaluation.  Although we did see some attempt of communication on her part, and the attending physician agreed he did tell us that she would never be able to walk and it was doubtful that she would regain any strength of the weakened right side as well as the ability to speak.  We agreed to have a tube surgically inserted into her abdomen in order for the nurses to feed her since she also lost the ability to swallow on her own and prayed that with time, she would improve enough to have the tube removed and that she could swallow on her own.  She was transferred to a nursing facility and physical therapy was ordered to try and stimulate the paralized right side of her body.  Mom had an added complication that they found during the surgery and now the traditional therapy for a stroke patient's could not be administered since she had an undiagnosed ulcer and therefore the treatment for her stroke would literally kill her and cause internal bleeding.  The best they could promise us was that she would not have another stoke and my daughter, granddaughter and I were at Mom's bed side for an entire month lovingly  watching over her and making sure that her needs were met and that they were doing everything possible to help her regain some of her mobility.  Mom would talk to us with her eyes, and would try and form sounds when the baby was with her.  We got to the point where we taught her to pucker her lips to blow a kiss and to sigh and say Ah, she responded with moving her head to questions that we asked her and so we felt that there was a ray of hope that she could pull off a miracle and possible recover from this nightmare. Our dreams were shattered on the morning of August 1, when I received the dreaded phone call telling me that Mom suffered a massive heart attack and that they could not revive her.  Mom was gone and our hearts were broken.

The first Mother's Day we decided to gather the family together which also included her two sisters, and we had a Mother's Day Brunch.  What started off as a sad occasion was brightened up by talking about Mom and sharing some of wonderful things she had accomplished in her lifetime. 

This year, I think we will just celebrate quietly with our children, our grandchildren and my brother-in-law and one of Mom's sisters and have a peaceful  afternoon out and try to create some new happy memories to pass along.  The one thing Mom would never had tolerated was for us to be sad and since she always was the life of the party and lived life to the fullest, it is our duty to continue this tradition and remember her with love and happiness and not dwell on sadness.   

For those of you, who have lost a Mom or another loved one, try to remember the wonderful memories you shared with them and build new memories to share with those living.

Happy Mother's Day to all!

Iris S. Taub

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Top-level comments on this article: (1 total)
» left by Jane
from TX 4 years 278 days ago.
Iris, thank you for sharing your story with us. All those who have lost their Mom will identfy with your thoughts.
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