Tough Love, Need to Stick to the Game Plan
Posted: Sunday, August 22, 2010
by Iris Taub
I had to recently write a very difficult letter to a member of the family who has been using their emotional disabilities to manipulate the family.
It is never easy to have to finally put on paper the words that have been rolling around in your head for years. I have tried my best to be understanding but when someone repeatedly abuses a medical condition, you begin to be resentful, especially when innocent people are involved.
Dealing with some physicial conditions of my own, there was no way I could even think of bringing her into my home. I had been her care giver for over 40 years and taking care of someone who is not treated for any kind of emotional disability can be draining both physically and emotionally and eventually it did take a toll on my own physical health and I finally had to learn to say "no" to situations that would jeopardize my own well being!
It took me 50 years to finally realize that the word "no" is not necessarily a bad word! I was the fix it kind of gal who could help everyone and put everyone first! Well, it is not healthy to always put others ahead of your own well being and eventually it will begin to affect you both physically and emotionally.
When my Mother died peacefully in her sleep at the Assisted Living facility after suffering a major stroke at the age of 96, I promised myself that I would begin to heal emotionally and try to let go of all the heartache I had to endure trying to please someone who was incapable of understanding the concept of forgiveness and tolerence, I now decided that I could finally put myself first and not feel guilty about it.
When I started seeing history repeat itself with someone who I love very much, I tried to reach out to them and told them that it is OK to talk to someone and express your feelings and not let them get bottled up inside. It is difficult to express feelings and behavior you don't understand and especially when you are dealing with a teenager who is going through both physical and emotional changes that are normal and part of being a teenager to begin with. To add the pressure of trying to always please a parent who is very critical of everything you do is exhausting!
I even tried to reach out to the other parent and explained to them that I see things that can be potentially distructive and to look the other way was not going to make the situation go away!
When you see a child who is unhappy you want to reach out and hug that child and tell them that everything is going to be OK.
While one child is constantly being judged another child is slipping away and has parents who are blaming each other for that child having difficulties are not taking the necessary measures to get him the help he needs. I can hug one child and tell them I will always be there for him and yet when I try to reach out for the other, he pulls away and doesn't want to be held or comforted by anyone other than his own parents. That same child can't verbally express his feelings and until recently did not interact with other children. He will be 3 at the end of the week.
It breaks my heart to see how this same child refuses to eat food except for a few items, will panic when he is brought into a new environment, and only can say a few words.
Trying to talk to his parents is like pulling teeth and especially when you are dealing with one parent who has mental issues of their own to deal with and you have to watch everything you say like you are walking on egg shells.
I finally got to a point when I felt I had to write a letter to that person explaining my concerns and also that I could no longer be tolerant of that person's excuses and blaming everything on their medical condition.
Tough Love is a difficult position to be put in, but when you see that one person is affecting the lives of others with their own insecurities and mental challenges, you have to take a stand and express your feelings.
I am not sure if my letter will make a difference but I do hope that it will open the eyes of the person I have sent the letter to. I guess only time will tell.
Iris S. Taub
Parkland, Florida
This Article has been viewed 568 times. (Not updated in real-time.)
Top-level comments on this article: (6 total)Oh Iris, having to enact tough love can be so difficult. Even if your letter makes no difference, it helped you know you did the most you could. I hope you now have peace of mind.GraceHi Grace,I hope the letter opened some eyes. I was assured that my young grandson was getting further testing and they promised if he needed special attention they would make sure he got it. Only time will tell!Thanks again for taking the time to comment on my letter.Iris
Iris I think it's great that you wrote your letter, and I'm so glad you've been able to begin to claim your own life back. That takes courage!Hi Jennifer,First I want to thank you for taking the time to read my letter and respond to it.I don't know if I would call it courage, more like survival. Being a child raised by a mentally challenged parent can be very damaging and you need to find ways to survive. Luckily I have always been able to express myself by writing.Thank goodness we have this site to be able to express our feelings and get comments from other talented writers as well.IrisIris
I feel that it's heartbreaking to have a loved one try to take advantage of his/her weakness for personal gain. It especially makes me angry if I don't catch it in time.I couldn't agree with you more James and that is why I finally wrote the letter!Thank you for taking the time to read my article and comment on it.Iris
It is good that you stood your ground and hopefully everything will work out for you and your family. Writing a letter is a great way to get through to a person most of the time and obviously you conveyed your message with love. I have had to stand my ground many times with my girls and after years one of my girls and I have a great relationship and the other daughter still refuses to get help and she is still angry. Sometimes waiting is all you can do, especially when you have tried all else. Remember healing comes through footwork and the willingness of all concerned and it is on Gods timetable. Stay close to your friends and mentors, don't try to go it alone. As you said tough love is difficult.Hi Linda,I am sorry that your one daughter is still in denial about getting the help and has rejected attempts from loving family members. Hopefully eventually your other daughter will come around and realize that family is so important! friends come and go but family will ride the up the ups and downs with you!I try to take things one day at a time and learned this valuable lesson after I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. I think that is what also gave me the strength to say, enough is enough and I can''t sit by and do nothing without at least attempting to get my point across.Thanks again for taking the time to read my article and making a comment on it!Iris
If you feel it in your heart, you must impart. You obviously struggled with the decision, so you have made a thoughtful judgement. Having been there and done that I think you felt as though the right thing to do was to share that knowledge. I'm no expert, but I think that both you and the people that you shared that wisdom with will be better off for it. Good luck.
Hi David,Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my article.Only time will tell whether my words made an impact or not! The most important factor is that I was heard and that something will be done to help my little grandson.Iris
We want your comments! If you can read this, you don't have javascript enabled, so you can't use this comment system. Please enable javascript.